My daughter is now 10 months old now. I've had some nice food and a couple of drinks, she's playing happily and I can begin to feel normal again.

 

She's not a baby anymore, she's a toddler, running around, giggling, hiding. She's gorgeous.

 

The caesarian that was not done properly and the unsuccessful emergency operation seem a long way away now but there is still an ongoing pain which still needs to be resolved. I know it's not cancer now or some various other physical problems ruled out by blood tests. It's probably just a trapped nerve in the scar tissue from my caesarian but I do know it's very painful and has gone on too long. I don't know what it is.

 

It's amazing how the ongoing sleep depravation, the hormones and responsibility of being a Mum fucks with your mind. The analysing of every statement or action, the neurosis, the fear that you might do something wrong, the frustration at not being able to complete simple tasks or think things through logically. I have become a different person. I need to relax and enjoy Zoe more, the time will go far too quickly.

 

I was up 5 times with Zoe the night before last but she did settle back in her cot quickly each time I put her back. I think the 5th time at around 530am I must have fallen asleep before I put her back so she was in bed with me when she woke up at 730am. I then moved back into our bedroom which means I have further to travel when she wakes up. I'm only going to feed her if it's 3 hours or more from her last feed so I'll need to help her settle back down again. It means also that Richard will be woken up each time I'm woken up as she'll come through on the monitor.

 

Last night we were both up trying to settle Zoe from 3am to 530am! I had been up at midnight before that. We are all knackered today but I have to teach. Sometimes I wonder how I function at all.
 
We went to the Pyramids centre for swimming yesterday as our usual pool is out of action for a while. There's a baby and toddler group fom 930am to 11am which will be better suited for Zoe. We can also change her swimming lessons to there as well so she will be able to stay in the water after her lesson if she wants too which will be good for her I think. She seemed to really enjoy it, especially the wave machine! There was more space to change and it wasn't so hot and stuffy which was better. She didn't scream when I got her dressed either!
 
We didn't get to Cathedral Club at 2pm as we were both sleeping. I did some cooking as my chicken stock would have gone off. I was knackered so didn't know how I would get through the day.

Richard managed to get Zoe down to sleep in her cot really quickly last night. He just basically pinned her down with a sheet in her cot and she dropped off really quickly. He repeated it again after her feed at 3am and it worked this morning at about 8am until she woke up ready to play. None of this screaming herself to sleep. Hope we've finally cracked it.